The Adventures of Carol's Lucky Bean

OK, so my mom gave me this plant. She got it from QVC and I have no idea what it actually is. It is called "Jack's Lucky Bean," but it hard to see how any plant in my care can be considered lucky. It's supposed to get at least 3-5 feet tall, and in the "wilds of Australia" it's supposed to get up to 40 feet tall. According to my mom, and according to her buds at  QVC , it can grow up to 2 feet per week. At that rate, it can grow up to my bedroom window and reach in and strangle me while I'm sleeping if I don't take sufficient care of it. In fact. here's the description of the "Australian Lucky Bean," according to Roberta's Exotic Gardens:

",,,This plant is notorious as the Lucky Bean that Jack grew to the sky in the legendary children's fable. These beans, though partially dwarfed [ah...this could be a problem], can grow as tall as 40 feet. It arrives in a four inch pot about 10-12 inches tall."

So I followed Step One of the planting instructions: "Unpack your plant." Seemed pretty easy so far. I found a 12" pot that used to house a now-deceased rubber plant and pulled all the dead stuff and dirt out and threw it away (might as well start this lucky bean off with new dirt, right?). Then I planted it and watered it thoroughly, being careful not to let excess water sit in any saucer under the pot (which doesn't have a saucer anyway, making this step pretty easy). So, now  it is going to sit on my front porch spreading its menacing leaves (it doesn't get flowers on it) and reaching for the sky (or my window) with its notorious 40' stem. I figured other people might want to see this plant grow an amazing two feet per week, so I'm going to take pictures of it every few days and post them here. I wish I'd taken pictures of the grapevines I once bought--they were supposed to grow golf ball-sized grapes. I'm sure I did something wrong, because they only got a few marble-sized grapes on them, which is OK since I really don't like golf anyway.

This is Day One in the Life of Jack's Lucky Bean. The plant measures about 18", including the pot. At least that's what it measured about 2 hours ago. It might have grown since then.

Day Two, May 12, 2004. About 18.5".

May 15, 2004--I decided to wait a couple of days in order to get dramatic impact. It is now a giant of a plant, standing an impressive 19".  I figure at that growth rate (an inch every 4 days), it is growing at slightly less than 2 inches per week. Maybe there was a translation error--somehow 2 inches per week got translated into 2 feet per week? But no, I will not be dissuaded this early in the game; you never know with lucky beans. However,  I haven't installed plant protection on my bedroom windows yet.

October 2004--in anticipation of frost and because I now have an office with a window, the Beans have been relocated indoors. They have a lovely view of a parking lot and great sun exposure so I expect them to do quite well here--maybe even surpassing their present statuesque 19". I will post additional pictures IF the Beans start to shoot skyward (or ceiling-ward) or IF they even look like they are thinking of growing (which, I gotta say, so far they are not--not even a passing thought).

If you'd like to e-mail me with advice on how to care for the lucky bean, please feel free to do so (or, if you have questions for The Bean, I'll be happy to pass them along). Put "lucky beans" in the subject line so that I won't mistake you for a virus (instead of a legume).

NEWS FLASH (December 7, 2004): The Beans are in critical condition due to a criminal incident involving a member or members of a local cult of squirrels. During the long weekend surrounding Thanksgiving, one or more squirrels pried open my office window, entered illegally, and committed various acts of destruction. The culprits pooped...um...defecated on a desk, defaced a textbook, and attempted to chew the cork off of an unopened wine bottle (a recent prize from a United Way campaign drawing--honest--I don't even drink wine). In addition, the perps committed oral aggression against  the Lucky Beanstalks, causing serious injury to the plants. It is uncertain whether the Beans will recover. No arrests are pending because a distinctive description of the perpetrator(s) has not been made (potential observers have been heard to say "They all look alike" and to make other such stereotyping remarks). Actual witnesses of the crime were reportedly other members of the squirrel cult and are refusing to talk. The window has since been secured, but members of the cult have been frequenting the window ledge and peering in. It is possible that a warrant will be issued for the peeping toms...or squirrels. Anyone with information is encouraged to contact me.  In addition, a victim's defense fund has been established and contributions may be sent to me. Your contributions are NOT tax deductible and you will NOT receive a receipt. In fact, I'll use the money to buy stuff for myself.

Update, April 20, 2005: Alas, the beans did not survive and I will have to replace them (if possible). Squirrels once again visited my office last week, but by then the beans were long gone. The squirrels did manage to drag a carving of a shorebird out the window where it remained precariously perched for the weekend. I have purchased a large scaresquirrel to prevent further breaking and entering episodes although so far the scaresquirrel just sits and looks sad (it is a Dakin plush animal). Possibly the morose look it possesses will be enough to discourage the rodents (because they are irritatingly perky).

This is the scaresquirrel. He doesn't look too frightening. And he doesn't have a name yet, so if you'd like to send me your suggestion I'll be happy to consider it.