I'm no hypocrite, I promise you that

by: Sam Bailey
Staff Writer

In my capacity as an unpaid, unofficial and unacknowledged advisor to the Bush White House and conservatives everywhere, I sometimes find it necessary to, as the old saying goes, tend to my own house. In that spirit, I can only hope this column reaches the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Headquarters (VRWC HQ) in time.  

As anyone who has ever seen a sitcom, dramatic series or Hollywood movie relating to politics knows, conservatives are all hypocrites. That’s one of the dangers in actually holding yourself and others to a high standard of behavior. Liberals don’t really seem to have a problem with recreational drug use, excessive gambling or adultery, so when one of them gets caught (Bill Clinton), no big deal. 

Conservatives, on the other hand, reject such behavior, and are therefore branded as hypocrites the minute one of us (Rush Limbaugh, Bill Bennett, etc.) falls short. I’ve come to accept this. It’s just the price of playing political poker: to be conservative, you must be positively angelic to escape the label of “hypocrite”.  

This explains why it is so crucial that we conservatives avoid actual hypocritical behavior whenever possible. This brings me to the CIA leak probe that’s been in the news lately.  At the time of this writing, Washington is abuzz with chatter about possible indictments being handed down by the grand jury investigating the case. 

Possible targets of the indictments include presidential advisor Karl Rove and vice-presidential chief of staff I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby. These highly placed officials in the Bush administration may be indicted for one of two things: either criminal wrong-doing in the “outing” of CIA desk jockey Valerie Plame, or perjury while testifying before the grand jury.

At this point, I’m afraid we have to talk about Bill Clinton. As many of you may remember, Clinton had the distinction of being impeached and nearly removed from office because of, among other things, his false statements made during grand jury testimony. Despite the numerous liberals and legal experts telling us it was “just about sex,” conservatives didn’t care.

Neither did Ken Starr, or the U.S. House of Representatives.  Clinton broke the law, and he deserved to be indicted.  Should it come out that Rove or Libby broke the law, they too should be indicted!           

In spite of their strong stance on the issue of the law against the adulterous slob Bill Clinton, it seems some conservative opinion leaders are already preparing to circle the wagons to protect these clowns.  On NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Texas senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson made the following ludicrous statement when talking about the possibility of indictments in the Plame case.

“I certainly hope that if there is going to be an indictment that says something happened, that it is an indictment on a crime and not some perjury technicality where they couldn’t indict on the crime so they go to something just to show that their two years of investigation were not a waste of time and dollars.”

Hutchinson, like most conservatives, was outraged at the behavior of Bill Clinton. Just as liberals attempted to defend Clinton by attacking the weight of the charges against him and the severity of the alleged wrongdoing, many conservatives now seem to be prepared to do the same. 

Assuming either Rove or Libby are indicted, whether the “outing” of Ms. Plame rises to the level of criminality (and yes, those quotation marks indicate sarcasm) is not the issue.  Nor is the relative importance of any perjured testimony by these men. 

What is the issue, and what some of the dimmer bulbs in the conservative community are forgetting, is the fact that they’ve perjured themselves and/or committed a crime!  The party that supported charges of obstruction of justice and perjury against Bill Clinton for testimony that was, after all, “only” about sex has absolutely no business trying to defend anyone by calling perjury a “technicality”.

Conservatives were right about Clinton and, if we’re to be taken seriously, we’ve got apply the same standards our own people. If Rove and/or Libby are indicted and found guilty, and conservatives launch the same campaign of equivocations and legalese that was used by Clinton’s defenders, I’m afraid we’re all going to owe Slick Willie an apology. 

 And frankly, I’m not ready to apologize. Clinton got what he deserved and, if they did in fact commit a crime, Rove and Libby must also get what they deserve. Conservatives need to reject hypocritical double standards based on political affiliations. Look at the bright side: maybe Harriet Miers was Rove’s idea!